Confessions · Family

How to Build a Water Slide

For Christmas Day I had a brain wave.

It was a mega one.

More mega than usual.

I made a water slide and it wasn’t just any sort of water slide.

It was mega.

Naturally.

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Everyone said it wouldn’t be good.

It would be too fast.

Too much.

Too scary.

I told ’em to have a little faith in my mega brain waves.

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To make a water slide better than the world has ever seen, you’ll need to find a really terrifically steep hill.

You might need to spend some time on Christmas morning whipper-snipping the grass down.

I recommend you don’t wear your Christmas Day best for this task as you will sweat enough to make a tradie proud.

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You’ll have to find heavy things with which to pin your water slide plastic down.

I suggest raiding your father’s shed.

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Like me, you may set your cap on a bunch of old car tires.

Like me, after vigorously whipper-snipping, numerous hill climbs and much mega brain thought, you may need to sit down for a fiver.

It helps with all the meganess of your  project.

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What would we do without men who horde car tires?

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You will also need old foam mattresses as crash pads, as your steep water slide is bound to accelerate bodily speed and aerodynamics.

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Without old foam mattresses as crash pads you will find trees, spiky scrub and bush will, by default, act as break pads.

I can not be held responsible for any pain you may endure.

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Last, but in no way least, you will need water. Preferably, from a hose.

This way you can squirt people in the noggon.

Let the noggon squirting and water sliding BEGIN!

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I can’t begin to impart to you how mega this slide was.

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If you are afraid of speed, do it.

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If you are afraid of too much fun, embrace it.

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If crash landings have never really been your thing, stop being an old duck and bungee dive into the pond!

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Badger your mother down it.

‘GO THE SCREAMING MAMA BEAR!’

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Cheer your younger brother down it.

‘WOOOOOOHOOO! LOOKING GOOD, MUNCHKIN!’

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Tell your grandma she’s missing out on mega excitement.

Grin ridiculously when she tells you you’re mad.

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As it was, the only brave souls I could recruit for water sliding awesomeness was the youngsters.

Everyone else trembled at the knees.

Or adapted the principle of ‘Once, never again, Hosay!’

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But it was worth it..

If only because Mama Bear gained several years of her youth.

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Hope you had a good Christmas.

Hope it was filled with mega brain awesomeness.

If it wasn’t.

There’s always next year.

May you always bungee dive into the pond,

xx The Girl in Trousers

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