1. Eyeball every patch of grass you intend to grace BEFORE you jump down from the work van.
2. This will help you avoid rolling around on the ground groaning and whimpering like a sissy because you DIDN’T eyeball the ground.
3. Shed no tears. Tears are for girls. Wait, but I am a girl. Silence, no excuses. Grit your teeth and saying the following like a man, ‘Ahhh-grrrr-aarrrgggg!’.
4. Thanks to your twisted ankle, you are now as much use a yodeling roaster in parliament. The boss is only paying you on principal.
5. Long John Silver and his obsession with gold suddenly make so much sense. Experiencing excruciating pain and imagining being carried around on a silver chair, will make piracy a viable career change.
6. You will hobble and you will do the wooden leg shuffle.
7. The wooden leg shuffle is meant to be awkward. You just stink at it. Crumbs. A two legged dog with an amputated tail does it more gracefully than you.
8. Stairs are not your friends.
9. Hills are not your friends.
10. Bending, squatting, kneeling, toeing, climbing, crawling, kicking are so not your friends.
11. Let’s face it. Right now, you have no friends.
12. Pulling off your sock and shoe isn’t a good idea. Now you have to put them on again.
13. Follow all the above. You’ll find twisted ankles at work a breeze. It’ll be like painting your nails. Hmm. Bad example. Those little nail polish brushes are a nightmare.
14. Okay, follow all the above and you’ll find twisted ankles at work a breeze. It’ll be like a blind date with a talking beaver.
15. I’m going to stop now. Just don’t do it.